My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
foreskin is a definite game changer
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize