Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
