the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
