Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
