I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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