my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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