I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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