My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
