I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
