true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Damn victory sex feels great
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
