i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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