just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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