I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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