Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
