Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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