There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Randomize
