We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
