i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
