i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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