why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
