don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
