turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
