Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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