soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I will be naked everywhere
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize