never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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