dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Bring me that man meat
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
