Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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