some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
