next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
