i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize