I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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