If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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