I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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