I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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