My underwear smells like fireworks.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
