party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
