I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Found your dick twin last night
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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