I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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