why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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