i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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