I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
