Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
