This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
