He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize