Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
