Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
