I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
