I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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