Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
