whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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