I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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