you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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