Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
