Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
