I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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