I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
